


Fitz and Simmons Make a Porno

by chinesebakery



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Porn, Crack, F/M, Humor, No actual porn, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 07:26:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6602050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chinesebakery/pseuds/chinesebakery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Longtime friends and flatmates Fitz and Simmons find themself in dire need of cash. But worry not, Fitz has a plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fitz and Simmons Make a Porno

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to Agentcalliope/Fitzsimmonsgarbage, enabler extraordinaire.
> 
> The first section includes liberal borrowing from the movie "Zack and Miri Make a Porno".

"Oh, my God, yeah!" Fitz exclaimed, strengthening a little, which sent the comforter tumbling off his shoulder. It was a good idea though. Good enough to cover  _ this _ unpaid electric bill– and many more to come. If only Jemma would agree to it...

"What? You got an idea?" She asked, her voice brightening with hope.

"We could, uh. Make a porno?" His face scrunched a little and he kicked himself silently for it. How could he possibly hope to warm her to it, when he sounded so reluctant himself? 

"Not the idea I was looking for." Jemma managed to grit out, her eyes widening.

"What? No, this is an awesome idea, are you kidding me?" Fitz's voice sounded slightly unhinged to his own ears. "That guy, Will Daniels, Gideon Mallick's boyfriend, he said he makes a hundred grand a year because he shoots and distributes his own porno flicks."

Jemma scoffed and said, "If it's so easy, how come everybody doesn't do it?"

"Because other people have options –and dignity– which we do not have. Which puts us in an amazingly advantageous position!"

Jemma glared his way and readjusted her hoodie so it covered her frigid ears better.

***

Fitz was pacing around Hunter's basement, cursing his life, his friends, and the bloody cosmos alike. With all the lamps gathered and lit up in the small room, the atmosphere was unbreathable. 

"You look a little flushed," Daisy noted as she seized his chin and turned his face one side, then the other. "Can I interest you in a little foundation?"

"Why are you here again?" Fitz asked, his tone biting. He clutched Jemma's fluffy bathrobe a little closer around him. "Do pornos even  _ need _ art directors?"

"The good ones do," Daisy replied knowingly, applying a little compact powder to his face before he could react fast enough to run away.

Fitz spared a look to Hunter, who was currently busy –as long as Fitz could tell– zooming in and out on Bobbi's cleavage with the camcorder from the other side of the room. "Somehow, I don't think that's what we're doing here."

"Well, that depends, then," Daisy tilted her head, adding a little pout for good measure. "Do you really want Hunter in charge of all this? The  _ sole _ person in charge?"

As he pondered her question, Fitz could feel his entire face frown.

"Fair enough," he grumbled.

"Alright, ladies and gentlemen," Daisy shouted as she turned around, clapping her hands a few times to get everybody's attention. "Let's make a damn _ good  _ porno!"

Ignoring the vivid burn of his cheeks, Fitz began fumbling to untie the belt's knot. When the garment finally parted, he took a deep, calming breath and stared right ahead. This was okay. Everything would be okay.

"Wow,  _ hello there _ Doctor Fitzy!" Daisy looked down and gasped, clutching at imaginary pearls. "I was  _ not _ expecting–" she gestured, spreading her hands, " _that_."

Hunter put down the camcorder and stalked to them, standing between the two to stare straight at Fitz's crotch. He hooted a congratulatory whistle.

"Well done, mate," Hunter grinned merrily, clapping Fitz's back. " _That _ , my man, will look real good on camera."

"I changed my mind," Fitz barked, furiously tying the robe's belt again. "I'm not doing it, okay? Find someone else to be your depraved show monkey."

The next moment, Jemma sauntered down the staircase, dressed only in the same silky robe she always wore, as if this were a perfectly normal Saturday night.

"I'm here," she exclaimed as she joined him, sounding slightly out of breath. All the skin he could see peeking out the beige cloth was looking a little pinker than usual.

"Ready when you are," Hunter announced, aiming the camera away from Bobbi at long last.

Daisy gave them two thumbs up, nodding enthusiastically.

"Okay?" Fitz said, his hands flying to that damn belt once again. His face felt so hot, it had to be scarlet.

"Okay," Jemma smiled timidly, her hands hovering over her one sash. "Do you need help with that?"

"No, I'm good." There was no point in postponing the inevitable. Biting the inside of his cheek, Fitz shrugged the robe off and stood, naked and mortified, in front of his best friend in the world. Taking his lead, Jemma took off and folded her only cover and stood straight, ready to bear his scrutiny.

So. She really did have freckles everywhere. He knew there were a few of them down her cleavage –he had a photographic memory and she liked to wear low-cut dresses when she went out on dates– but he had no idea there were so many of them in places he'd never seen before. It was  _ glorious. _

When Fitz finally tore his eyes away from Jemma's freckled, perky,  _ incredible _ breasts, he found her gaping directly at his groin, which, by now, appeared completely ready to go.

"So, we should– mmh," Jemma started, her discomfort so evident Fitz felt awful for putting her through this. It was, after all,  _ his _ stupid idea.

"Listen, Jemma," he said, disheartened. "We don't have to do this."

"No, no, it's okay." She was looking conspicuously up to the ceiling –and away, he realized, from his offending anatomy. "We should do it."

"You sure?" he asked, suspicious.

"Yes, Fitz, I'm sure," she stated with the resolute tone of voice he knew not to argue with.

"Can I, uh, can I kiss you?" Fitz asked, immediately cursing himself for sounding like a 6th grader. 6th graders had no place on a porn set.

"Of course," she said, her smile growing genuine.

Taking a step closer, he carefully curled a hand around her neck, trying the best he could not to touch any of her lady bits with his own as to not inconvenience her. 

But then Jemma took a decisive step forward, pressing her lips to his and combing her fingers through his hair. The next moment, her body pressed against his, and for a split second he almost forgot about the camera’s and the eyes that were locked on them.

He was kissing Jemma Simmons.

He was kissing Jemma Simmons- while they were both  _ naked. _ There was no way to cover the fact that he was really  _ really _ into it, nowhere to run and hide. Not to mention they had an audience watching it all happen.

And Hunter was filming it.

**Author's Note:**

> I reserve the rights to revisit this particular brand of silliness with my partner in crime at a later date!


End file.
